The Storm before the Rainbow

Miscarriage is not something many women like to speak about and it’s a lot more common than I ever thought. I always thought it was rare and if it happened, it had to be because something was wrong. When one of my closest friends had one almost two years ago, I was so heart-broken for her. We were living thousands of miles apart at the time and I felt helpless. You can try to empathize but you’ll never know how it feels until you experience it yourself. All I could do was try to be supportive because sometimes those infamous words “Everything happens for a reason” just aren’t enough.

The following year, my boyfriend and I decided we wanted our little family to grow. We started dating when my daughter was 3 and a half and by the time she turned 5, we decided we were ready.  When we started trying, I went ahead and downloaded an app that would help me track my periods and let me know when I was most likely ovulating (Planning a pregnancy is much more stressful than when it just takes you by surprise lol). The app I used was great. It was very cute and colorful and surprisingly spot on. My boyfriend was in the process of starting a business in Orlando and unfortunately, we were doing the whole long distance thing for a couple of months so you can imagine our surprise when I found out I was pregnant on the first try!

When I found out, it was the first week in May of 2016 and Mother’s day was that weekend. I called my friend freaking out and went straight to her house. My boyfriend was going to be coming down from Orlando that weekend but I was so excited, I wanted to tell him right away.  My friend helped me come up with a cute way to tell him via video chat. His reaction was priceless and I’m so thankful to have it caught on video. Mother’s Day came and we thought it would be nice to frame a picture of me with the pregnancy test to give to our moms. We got the cutest reactions from our parents, everyone was so excited. Later that week, I called my doctor’s office to make an appointment. They scheduled me to come in when I was closer to being about 8-9 weeks. I was about 5 or 6  when I found out and I felt like the wait would kill me.

The morning of the appointment, I was so nervous. It had been 5 years since I had done this and I felt like it was the first time all over again. The nurse brought us back into the room and told us the doctor would be in shortly to examine me. The doctor came in and asked me the usual questions and then gave me an estimated due date for January. Next was the not so fun part, the trans-vaginal ultrasound. Although uncomfortable, at least one good thing comes from it, you get to see your little baby. It had been quite some time since I had one of those done but I knew by 8 or 9 weeks, you should be able to see something. My doctor looked a little puzzled after a few minutes into the ultrasound so of course I began to worry. She turned the screen and showed us the smallest dot, one you really had to squint to see. She did her best to reassure us that we shouldn’t worry and that I could be measuring earlier than predicted. She asked that we come back in two weeks to do another ultrasound and to check that my HCG levels keep rising. My boyfriend would be heading back to Orlando, leaving me to drive myself crazy until the next visit.

My first pregnancy was a nightmare! Morning sickness was no joke and lucky for me, I endured it from beginning to end. They say every pregnancy is different, but that just wasn’t the case for me.  I was working full-time as a medical assistant for a pediatric office. I was so sick all the time that my manager nicknamed me “greenie” because I would have to run to the bathroom in between vitaling my patients, to throw up and my skin literally had a green tinge to it lol. Ginger ale and crackers had become my best friends. I was miserable but I had to tough it out. Nights at home were rough. With my boyfriend in Orlando and a 4 and a half year old at home, I had zero energy and just felt so crappy everyday.

When our second appointment rolled around, my doctor wasn’t available so I went to see one of her partners. I was excited and the anticipation was killing me. When they called us back, we met with the ultrasound tech first and then we would meet with the doctor. Two weeks had gone by and by now, I was sure our little dot had grown. The tech started the ultrasound and explained that once she took her measurements, she would turn the screen towards us so that we could see. The silence was killing me. My boyfriend was standing and had a perfect view of the screen. I was laying flat and couldn’t see a thing. I kept looking up at him to see if he would at least give me a sign to let me know that everything was ok but he didn’t. All of a sudden I felt his grip on my hand get tighter but when I looked up at him, there was no smile. I knew right then, we wouldn’t be getting good news today. The technician advised me to get dressed and that the doctor would speak with us shortly. I got dressed and my boyfriend hugged me but I asked him to stop.  I knew what it meant and I couldn’t bare it. We met with the doctor and a student in her office. She explained to us that she had taken a look at the sonogram and there was a sac but no baby. The spot we had seen a couple of weeks prior was no longer there.

A “missed” miscarriage is what they called it. She told me to expect to pass the sac some time soon. I sat there keeping all my emotions inside. Nodding and thanking her when she was done. There was no way that I was going to let two people I was just meeting for the first time, who were now bearers of bad news, see me break. We walked in silence to the elevators and when we got downstairs, waited for valet to bring the car around. Still not saying a word. The car pulled up and we got inside and that was it, I lost it. All I needed was to get to a space that I felt was mine. I didn’t want to have anyone else share in my pain, it was mine. Not the doctor or her student or even the strangers gathered outside who were waiting for their cars as well. This was our news and I wanted to shut everyone out so I could deal with it. I felt so helpless. I felt like my body had failed me. I cried and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. There were very little words exchanged between me and my boyfriend. I couldn’t even look at him. I felt the saddest for him, like I let him down. This would’ve been his first child and we had done all this planning. We picked names and baby shower themes because we were just so happy to be adding to our family. My heart felt like it was breaking into a million pieces.

We got home and I was dreading the thought of telling my daughter. She was so excited to be a big sister, how was I suppose to tell her there was no baby? I called her into our room and told her I had to tell her something. I explained that we had been at the doctors earlier and they told us the baby wasn’t in mommies belly anymore. I believe there is a heaven so that’s where I told her the baby went. She burst into tears and all I could do was hug her. Later that evening, I sent my manager a message to let her know what had happened. I asked that she please relay the news to my coworkers but to also let them know I didn’t want to talk about it. I went to work the next day and acted as if nothing had happened and kept to myself. The next few weeks were brutal. I tried to cope the best way I knew how. When the topic finally came up, I’d say those infamous words “everything happens for a reason” even if I didn’t believe that myself.

My boyfriend was back in Orlando but tried to come down every weekend to be there for me. I was still throwing up everyday and my stomach continued to grow. I think that had to be the worst part. Technically being pregnant but not having a baby to welcome at the end of this was just plain cruel. I waited and waited for the actual miscarriage to take place but after about a month, I called my doctor’s office and made an appointment. When I saw my doctor, I explained to her that I was miserable. The vomiting hadn’t subsided and my stomach was still growing. She explained it was because of the hormones. My body was still acting as if there was a baby in it. She told me to wait a little longer and if the sac still hadn’t passed, we would schedule a D & C.

June had come and gone and I was still “pregnant”. It was now the first week of July and my daughters 5th birthday was coming up. She was requesting a birthday party but I was still dealing with severe morning sickness. I called my doctor’s office and explained to the nurse that I could no longer wait. Not only was this taking a toll on my physical health but my mental and emotional health as well. The nurse told me she would speak to the doctor and give me a call back. A few minutes later, I got a call back and there was an opening for the following day. With my daughters party two weeks away, I figured it was enough time to recover, so I scheduled it. My manager insisted that I take the day off but I wanted to work to keep my mind off of things. The next morning I went into work and left an hour before the procedure was scheduled. My boyfriend had driven down so that he could take care of me after the procedure. We drove to the same day surgery center and waited to be called back. I was happy he was able to stay with me up until they took me inside. He had even fasted with me so I didn’t have to starve alone lol.  My doctor came and spoke to us about what she would be doing and what I should expect afterwards. We waited a little while longer for an OR room to become available and then it was time. My boyfriend kissed me goodbye and said he would see me afterwards.

I feel like it all happened so quickly. One minute I was counting down and the next I was waking up in the recovery room hysterically crying. There was a nurse who was checking my vitals and I kept apologizing and asking her if everyone cries when they wake up. I was still groggy but I knew that this was it. This made it official. I wasn’t pregnant anymore and that thought made me so sad. I felt like a part of me had been ripped out and technically, it had. The nurse tried to comfort me and told me my boyfriend would be getting there shortly. A few minutes later my boyfriend got there and I cried even harder. He knew why and he just hugged me and told me everything would be alright.

Nothing could have prepared me for the heartache I would feel even months after. My HCG levels lingered for 3 months afterwards causing me to think I could potentially be pregnant again, only to be disappointed each time I went into my doctor’s office. After the second false positive I received, my doctor asked that I come into the office every couple of weeks to make sure that my levels continued to decrease. This whole experience had taken a toll on me. I was physically and emotionally drained. It was hard on my boyfriend as well because I started to feel like maybe it would be better if  I didn’t have anymore kids. I already had one and I couldn’t stand the thought of possibly going through this again. Of course that was the heart-break talking but all I wanted was to finally begin to move on.

I never thought I’d have a miscarriage. Besides the morning sickness, everything went well with my first pregnancy and I had always imagined it would go the same for any future pregnancies.  It was a long road to recovery, both mentally and physically but I was finally able to come to terms with my loss. I still think about it a lot but I know I’m not the only one. It’s not an easy subject to talk about but I’ve been very fortunate to have supportive friends and family. So to the women out there who have suffered a loss, know that you’re not alone! You are stronger than you think. It’s ok to be sad but just remember, This to shall pass ❤