Light after loss

 

 

After our loss, my boyfriend and I decided we would take a break from trying so that we could recover and just enjoy our time together. He was back from Orlando and I was so happy to finally have him home. The holidays were quickly approaching and with them, we had plenty of events keeping us busy. Weddings, baby showers and holiday parties with family.

One event stood out the most during that time. A friend of ours was having her baby shower and she was due a couple weeks after I would’ve had my baby. It was a tough day. I was of course emotional because I had imagined I’d be celebrating too. Everything turned out beautifully and I was so happy for her and her growing family.

That night I went to bed with our baby on my mind because it was still all to fresh. It was around 6:30 in the morning when I was awakened by the sudden urge to tinkle lol. Right before that, I had the strangest dream. For some reason I had decided to take a pregnancy test and when the results came through, the stick read “110% pregnant”. Some people say when you’re pregnant, you begin to have vivid dreams. I blamed it on the fact that we had just gone to a baby shower a day before and I went to sleep with it on my mind.

I headed to the bathroom. When my boyfriend and I were actively trying, I had ordered a box of pregnancy tests and I happened to have one left. I figured why not take it just to put my mind at ease. I knew it would be negative but something about that dream made me curious. It was so early and I was definitely still half asleep when I took it. Being the impatient person I am, I peaked before I was supposed to and just like I had thought, it was negative. I got up and washed my hands and was ready to toss the test out until I took a second look.

Wait.. just a couple of minutes ago I was sure I only saw one line so why are there two now?! I couldn’t believe it. I ran to my room and quietly grabbed my phone to call my best friend. I told her the story but told her I didn’t want to get my hopes up. She told me to go to the store and get a digital test because it would give me a definite answer. I slipped out of the house as quickly and quietly as possible. I drove to the nearest Walgreen’s and bought a test and a bottle of water. I had just gone to the bathroom so now I had to chug a bottle of water so I’d be able to take this second test lol.

When I got home, my boyfriend was thankfully still asleep. I went to the bathroom and took the second test. Low and behold, it was positive. I was in shock! I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I only had a short period of time before my boyfriend would wake up and I wanted to tell him in a special way. I blew up a balloon and put a note inside that read “ Baby Reyes arriving August 2017” and tied it to a box that held the pregnancy test inside.

When he woke up, I made breakfast and told him I had a surprise for him. After we ate, I gave him the box. I told him he had to pop the balloon first and then open the box after he read the note. I recorded his reaction, he was so happy! It came as a nice surprise to both of us, since we had decided to take some time after our loss.

I believe that God has a reason for everything he does. This was meant to be. I found out I was pregnant with our rainbow baby on the exact same day (6 years later of course) that I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. What are the odds? Just the day before, I was feeling down about my miscarriage and having to see some of my dearest friends expecting and the next, I’m finding out that we’ll be welcoming a bundle of joy of our own! There were so many emotions surging through my body. Happiness, fear, nervousness, the list was ongoing.

Once I processed what was actually happening, I began to worry. What if I had another miscarriage? How would I handle another loss? All the excitement I initially felt, faded. I wouldn’t allow myself to get excited this time because I didn’t want to deal with the disappointment if things took a turn for the worst. Before I got my hopes up, I’d make an appointment with my doctor to make sure everything seemed to be in place.

I made my first appointment and everything went well. This time around, I saw my doctor a couple of times early on. I figured she wanted to make sure everything was as it should be and we were happy that they were, even though I was still nervous. With Christmas quickly approaching, we decided to tell our family at the Christmas party my uncles were hosting. People always say to wait until you are past the first trimester at around 12 weeks to share the news but for us, it was different. After our loss, we said if it’s going to happen again, it’ll happen. Sharing our news now or later wouldn’t change what’s meant to be.

Christmas came and morning sickness was seriously kicking my butt lol. We opened gifts in the morning with my boyfriend’s family and I was trying to act as normal as possible so that the surprise wouldn’t be ruined later. I bought a shirt that said ” Guess what Santa’s bringing me?” and had a big red arrow pointing to my belly. Right before getting to the party, we pinned the shirt so you couldn’t see the arrow until everyone arrived and we were ready.  Everyone at the party kept asking, ” What  does your shirt say? What is Santa bringing you?” and I would just laugh and say “I don’t know!” and quickly walk away. I’ve never been a good liar ( I would NOT be good at poker lol!).

My little sister had already caught on so my boyfriend and I recruited her to come up with a plan. We decided we would call everyone inside so we could take a family photo. I would stand in front of everyone, shirt unpinned so you could see the arrow, and take the picture so I could see everyone’s reaction. It took a couple of tries and there were definitely people who didn’t catch on so quickly but once they did, we got the best picture! It was a nice ending to Christmas and our families were so happy for us. After a rough couple of months, this was the light at the end of the tunnel.

This pregnancy wasn’t easy. The morning sickness, the dizzy spells, fatigue, and all of the other “fun” things you get to experience through pregnancy, made it hard on me but it was all worth it. Each month that passed was one step closer to the finish line. Once I was towards the end of my pregnancy, that’s when I finally let the excitement set in. I would constantly ask my boyfriend ” Can you believe we are having a baby?” We had prayed for this little human for so long. It was unreal to me. All the heartache we went through, brought us to this amazing moment. I always thought the meaning behind the phrase “Rainbow baby” was so beautiful and never imagined we would welcome one of our own.

“The greater your storm, the brighter your rainbow”- Jo Ettles